Ramblings of a mad crazy woman

 So much running through my mind - Taking over, drowning the good
Filling the void with dark envelopes of failure, stress, unknowing, ill mood
Finding the happiness feels like a never ending task
Forcing me to spend the day underneath my mask
My mask hides despair; my mask hides impending doom; my mask hides insecurity
On my face is a forced smile that feels like it is cracking
cracking my soul, breaking my body, my pride it's defeating
Stealing my energy like a thief in the night
Depression takes hold throwing me into the impending fight
the fight for my life, I want it back
But until I know, I am stuck in this limbo
I fight with the little energy I have left
But yet I wonder if it is worth it
Are my dreams worth the fight?  Or should I just accept things as they are right now
No emotion, no creativity, no creating, no life
I am but a vessel in this world and Gods work is supposed to flow through me
I know what I am supposed to do, I just don't know how to do it
I need to get through this mess I call my current life
but yet the walls are closing in and the way out hidden by the chaos
As they push in, I push out - lash out - try to get out -
What has happened to me, I don't even know
Just as soon as I get my act together, the stage begins to grow
to grow in directions I don't understand
Do I go stage right or left or do I follow the band
If I step up and sing, will my voice be heard
will it do its part and spread the Word
Or will is fade into the back, unknown by all
Just becoming another nail in the wall
All my life success came from others results
From kids being good citizens and not joining cults
From being trustworthy, not stealing and acting like adults
From how others turned out after working with me
Once, just once, I want it to be
How I do, how I work, how I sing, how I act
Judge my results on my work, not on my effect
Just tell me one way or the other
take me out of this limbo and bother
to let me do what I need to do
to create, to sing, to do my special thing
I know I can if I can just get the chance
You'll be proud of me when I finally get to dance.
I'll be proud of me then too, because I wont have to change
to fit the mold of the perfect person in everyones brain
I just want to be me, not anyone else
I am not perfect but I am also not false
I am warm, I am friendly and I am talented too
And if I get my chance I won't forget you
All of you who helped me get there
Who helped and inspired and believed and cared
I appreciate each and everyone of you
and, quite honestly, you are the ones who helped me through
With your kindness, honesty, friendship and love
I will get through this hell and rise above
I will follow my dream, to be successful in my life
As a performer, as a teacher, as a woman and as a wife.
Successful by the standards I set and not 'the powers that be'
How did they get the right to rule over me?
Somehow they got the power and I get the shaft
Oh well, life goes on and I'll get the last laugh
They will be sad that they let me go
because I will go and get "on with the show"
I will be successful in my own right
I may not be the best but I'll be doing all right
I plan to be happy and for once enjoy what I do
as I bring happiness, to the masses and to you.

Perils of not living with my little Cagney Alpaca

Well, I got word from my sister that Cagney is having some problem with his ear.  It seems something punctured it and left a decent sized wound.  Since my sister works in the health field, I totally trust her judgement and let her take care of him.  She cleaned the wound and bandaged him all up.  They have been checking on him and he seems to be improving.  As far as what caused the puncture, we are not sure.  At first we thought Cagney and Ike had a little fight and maybe Ike got a hold of Cagney's ear but on closer inspection, Ike's fighting teeth were not long enough and usually when fighting, they go for other 'more sensitive' spots.  We ruled out the fighting and moved on to other possibilities.  Upon further inspection we think he caught his ear on some part of the fencing, although they checked out the entire fence and found nothing.  Meanwhile, he is healing up well and it doesn't seem to be bothering him at all.

The Winter weather has been a bit drastic this year.  The blizzard that took over the mid west earlier in the week also had an effect at the farm.  My sister and  brother-in-law had to shovel out a path for the alpacas to get to their water source.  The animals were nice and warm due to their wonderful fleece but moving around was a bit of an issue due to snow but now they have a nice path to follow and make their way around the meadow.  I can't wait until spring so I can go work with Cagney again.  My goal is to get him leader trained this summer so that I can easily work with him later and get him better trained handling wise.  Meanwhile, I will keep working with his fleece here at home during the cold months.  Here are some of the items I have made as of late.

3 ply alpaca yarn with clear beads spun into the yarn

New Ideas for the New Year

As January quickly flies by us, I find my self confused about what new project I want to start next.  I stumbled upon a great idea for making wreaths out of plastic bags (which I have already started and made variations of for next year).  As I scan the ideas of other bloggers, I keep getting more and more excited about what I can do to save the Earth, or at least my small part of it :)  As you already know, I try to keep my yarns as eco friendly as possible.  My alpaca fleece is a renewable resource that grows back each year;  wool, and angora follow the same claim.  As far as my bamboo items are concerned, I try to use bamboo processed in a closed chemical manner.  You see, bamboo uses a lot of chemicals in its process to make bamboo fiber.  Some companies dispose of these chemicals after one use, the person I purchase my bamboo through, has done research to find that the company we use reuses its chemicals in a closed process.

Recently I discovered fiber made from recycled plastic bottles.  I was amazed at its softness, way softer than acrylic but not as soft as alpaca.  Its only drawback was it's short staple.  I mixed it with other fiber and it was great.  It's short stature was hidden by the other fibers longer staple but it made a very nice batt that I am hoping to duplicate for myself (the original is on my etsy site).  The only problem is that I the person who supplied me with this wonderful product is having problems finding a new source in the states.   I am amazed at what a great fiber it is and I plan to promote it as much as I can to others to try.  


Raspberry syrup art batt made from alpaca, faux cashmier, eco fi (recycled bottle fiber) and icicles.

Needle felting update

Just a quick note about my needle felted doll.  I finished it up when I was in Michigan visiting my family.  Here is a pic of Eduardo Billy Bob.

Plarn is your friend!

Along with the alpaca, that I just love by the way, I also like to work with plarn.  Plarn is yarn made from plastic grocery bags or any other kind of plastic bags.  There are so many bags that are polluting the world - it makes me feel good when I can do a project that reuses 50 or so bags.  That is 50 or so bags that aren't polluting the ocean or floating through the atmosphere. 

I am always on the search for different things I can do with my plarn.  I have made the traditional bags but now I want to branch out and do more.  I also have made rugs, purses, hats and whatever else I can imagine.  Recently I also started to work with plastic containers.  I took a tomato container and made an adorable little basket out of it.  When you see people attempting to make things from old things, support their endeavor.  They are trying to make a difference and really care about the world.  You can show your support by purchasing their items and helping out in a monetary way.  The world is ours to care for and we each need to do our own part - our children will thank us :)

Art yarn - having fun with bits of this and that

Since it is Thanksgiving Day and hubby and I are both recovering from the flu, I finally got a chance to sit down and spin up some of the Art bat I bought last summer.  Kitty Grrlz has a great kit available for those art yarn newbies, like myself.  I spun up half of the bat today and just loved how it came out.  I plan to use it as an embellishment on an alpaca hat. 


When I got the kit, I had reservations about trying art yarn.  So many people have specific ideas about what their hand spun yarn should be.  I was still new to spinning and was having trouble accepting the fact that it did not have to be perfect.  I think everyone is their own critic when it comes to their art; always wanting to be better and not accepting that the learning process takes time.  When I talked to the girl at the show she said something that has stuck with me.  She said "It's art yarn, there is no rules" - this inspired me to give it a try and see what happens.  I must say I am very happy with the results.   

One thing to keep in mind when trying art spinning is to be sure to tuck the ends of the fancy yarn into the roving.  This locks the yarn in and won't let it pull out easily.  It was a bit of a trick to get used to plying to thread but I let the roving  ply wind around the thread to give it another added bit of texture.  I love how the eyelash yarn pieces opened like a flower as it spun around the core piece.  I think it is going to look so neat on my hat.  I think I may have to cut this blog short so I can get started on the hat.  I'll post a pic when it is finished.  Meanwhile, keep on spinnin'!

The Etsy Shop

I have been wanting to set up an Etsy shop for over a year now.  After trial and error, I officially opened my shop for business on November 20th, 2010.  I was inspired by many friends who had supported the idea and have their own shops online.  They gave me some good advice and I plan to use all of it.  Thus Booties and Handspun by Babylove was born.  I hope to have my first sale by Christmas.  Before I had things loaded, I already had many views and that is a good sign. 


There is so much to learn about product presentation, pricing and shipping but I plan to learn as I go.  Since I cannot afford a professional photographer at this time, I am making due with my limited photography.  Eventually, I plan to hire a local college student to take some pics and go from there.  Etsy helps out by offering insights for new shop owners and gives advice towards a successful endeavor. 

It would be great if things took off and suddenly I could quit my job and life would be wonderful, but I am jumping ahead of myself.  Honestly, I just want to get my products out there and supplement my hobby by making a few bucks off of it.  I am not delusional enough to think my hobby is going to take the place of my teaching job.  If it did, it would become my job and no longer a hobby. 

So the door is now open for me to step into my future.  As long as Cagney keeps producing wonderful fleece, I will have the opportunity of processing it and sharing it with others.  I must admit, it is exciting to look at the shop and see how many people have seen my items.  It gives me a rush, but I am sure the bigger rush is yet to come as the items start selling.  Wish me luck!!~~~~

Insomnia rants

It's late at night and I can't sleep.  I keep thinking about what I can and cannot control.  Everything seems to be out of my reach and I cannot do anything to make things happen the way I want it to.  I am trying to start my online shop but am being held up by some things I do not understand.   I am trying to find answers but so far they are eluding me.  Home problems are not helping either.  Trying to prepare for the future is ruling my mind right now.  Ideas of what I can do if I lose my full time job.  Yes, I , like so many other teachers in the state, have no idea weather or not I will have a job come August.  Since things have been going well with the alpaca sales, I am hoping to get the etsy shop up and running so I can have some sort of income if the worst case scenario happens.  Meanwhile thoughts of my student loans, car loans and credit cards is haunting me like an ancient ancestor who is holding a grudge.  Then thoughts wander and I start concocting plans to keep my loved ones safe and only I have to bear the brunt of the inevitable financial collapse that could happen.  My late night rantings inflate until my brain refuses to sleep.  I try to relax - remembering the techniques I learned to help prepare me for performances and applying them to try to sleep.  Then I remember I have a concert coming up next week and I start thinking of what I have to do to make it work.  Before I know it another hour has passed and worries of how I will survive the next day at work if I don't have any sleep.  It is an ongoing quest for a few minutes of solitude.  I take cough syrup to help me sleep - the coughing has kicked in and assists the insomnia for a while.  The cough syrup has no effect and the sleeplessness continues.  I pray for comfort and God's will.  Momentarily I feel better - relaxation is almost here but then I start to think that maybe God has me awake to teach me a lesson.  I just can't win so I get up and blog to help clear my mind.  It wakes me up even more.  Hubby is sleeping like a baby in the other room - he doesn't even notice I am not there.  Before I know it, another hour goes by and some stupid infomertial is  on the tv.  Maybe boredom will help me sleep - nope - it doesn't.  The most sleep I can hope for is about 4 hours - certainly not enough to function but if I don't go back in the bed, I won't even have that much to hope for.  Meanwhile, good night to all of you and I wish sweet dreams and long lumberous sleep to you.  If only I could enjoy it . . . . .

The Journey Begins . . .

Well, I did it.  I made the last payment on my alpaca and he is officially mine.  His name is Cagney and he has amazing off white fleece. 

Cagney was a surprise to all of us at his birth.  We were having a family get together at my eldest sister's farm.  She had just informed us that one of their alpacas was due and would be birthing soon.  Just then my other sister pointed to a cria asking when it had been born.  To my eldest sisters surprise, Cagney had been born while we were eating breakfast.  His birth coincided with my nephew's birthday and thus was named Cagney J. 

That is not Cagney's only name, he is also called "Bob" due to his bobblehead tendancies.  He loves to bob his head from side to side.  It almost looks like he is asking "What??"  He is adorable and I love to visit him.  

I have been spinning Cagney's fleece for a couple years now and just loved the feel so much that I had to buy him.  However, I have to live in town and do not have any access to a farm locally so he is borded at my sisters farm and I get to visit him on occassion. 

Recently, I started to sell the items I have spun and crocheted with his fleece.  The first shows were a slow start - but then again, I was working the shows more to help out my sister and brother-in-law than to make any money.  The first shows were rough.  The economy was bad and many people did not understand the benefits of alpaca.  I also had not spun much yarn at that point and had not used it in my projects.  Since then, I have spun to my hearts content and found that many people want to buy the yarn itself, as opposed to the items already made from them.  This year sales went up along with my ideas.  Now that Cagney is paid off I am looking forward to learning how to care for him.  My hope is to eventually have a small farm, care for them myself,  and own a few fiber boys.  As I think about what the future holds,  I find myself looking forward to the next part of the journey with anticipation and wonder.   I plan to share what I discover in this quest to be a fiber farmer and help others take the jump into the unknown.  God only knows what my future holds but hopefully it will hold furry critters with warm, soft, cuddly fleece and a spinning wheel close by.