Ramblings of a mad crazy woman

 So much running through my mind - Taking over, drowning the good
Filling the void with dark envelopes of failure, stress, unknowing, ill mood
Finding the happiness feels like a never ending task
Forcing me to spend the day underneath my mask
My mask hides despair; my mask hides impending doom; my mask hides insecurity
On my face is a forced smile that feels like it is cracking
cracking my soul, breaking my body, my pride it's defeating
Stealing my energy like a thief in the night
Depression takes hold throwing me into the impending fight
the fight for my life, I want it back
But until I know, I am stuck in this limbo
I fight with the little energy I have left
But yet I wonder if it is worth it
Are my dreams worth the fight?  Or should I just accept things as they are right now
No emotion, no creativity, no creating, no life
I am but a vessel in this world and Gods work is supposed to flow through me
I know what I am supposed to do, I just don't know how to do it
I need to get through this mess I call my current life
but yet the walls are closing in and the way out hidden by the chaos
As they push in, I push out - lash out - try to get out -
What has happened to me, I don't even know
Just as soon as I get my act together, the stage begins to grow
to grow in directions I don't understand
Do I go stage right or left or do I follow the band
If I step up and sing, will my voice be heard
will it do its part and spread the Word
Or will is fade into the back, unknown by all
Just becoming another nail in the wall
All my life success came from others results
From kids being good citizens and not joining cults
From being trustworthy, not stealing and acting like adults
From how others turned out after working with me
Once, just once, I want it to be
How I do, how I work, how I sing, how I act
Judge my results on my work, not on my effect
Just tell me one way or the other
take me out of this limbo and bother
to let me do what I need to do
to create, to sing, to do my special thing
I know I can if I can just get the chance
You'll be proud of me when I finally get to dance.
I'll be proud of me then too, because I wont have to change
to fit the mold of the perfect person in everyones brain
I just want to be me, not anyone else
I am not perfect but I am also not false
I am warm, I am friendly and I am talented too
And if I get my chance I won't forget you
All of you who helped me get there
Who helped and inspired and believed and cared
I appreciate each and everyone of you
and, quite honestly, you are the ones who helped me through
With your kindness, honesty, friendship and love
I will get through this hell and rise above
I will follow my dream, to be successful in my life
As a performer, as a teacher, as a woman and as a wife.
Successful by the standards I set and not 'the powers that be'
How did they get the right to rule over me?
Somehow they got the power and I get the shaft
Oh well, life goes on and I'll get the last laugh
They will be sad that they let me go
because I will go and get "on with the show"
I will be successful in my own right
I may not be the best but I'll be doing all right
I plan to be happy and for once enjoy what I do
as I bring happiness, to the masses and to you.

Perils of not living with my little Cagney Alpaca

Well, I got word from my sister that Cagney is having some problem with his ear.  It seems something punctured it and left a decent sized wound.  Since my sister works in the health field, I totally trust her judgement and let her take care of him.  She cleaned the wound and bandaged him all up.  They have been checking on him and he seems to be improving.  As far as what caused the puncture, we are not sure.  At first we thought Cagney and Ike had a little fight and maybe Ike got a hold of Cagney's ear but on closer inspection, Ike's fighting teeth were not long enough and usually when fighting, they go for other 'more sensitive' spots.  We ruled out the fighting and moved on to other possibilities.  Upon further inspection we think he caught his ear on some part of the fencing, although they checked out the entire fence and found nothing.  Meanwhile, he is healing up well and it doesn't seem to be bothering him at all.

The Winter weather has been a bit drastic this year.  The blizzard that took over the mid west earlier in the week also had an effect at the farm.  My sister and  brother-in-law had to shovel out a path for the alpacas to get to their water source.  The animals were nice and warm due to their wonderful fleece but moving around was a bit of an issue due to snow but now they have a nice path to follow and make their way around the meadow.  I can't wait until spring so I can go work with Cagney again.  My goal is to get him leader trained this summer so that I can easily work with him later and get him better trained handling wise.  Meanwhile, I will keep working with his fleece here at home during the cold months.  Here are some of the items I have made as of late.

3 ply alpaca yarn with clear beads spun into the yarn

New Ideas for the New Year

As January quickly flies by us, I find my self confused about what new project I want to start next.  I stumbled upon a great idea for making wreaths out of plastic bags (which I have already started and made variations of for next year).  As I scan the ideas of other bloggers, I keep getting more and more excited about what I can do to save the Earth, or at least my small part of it :)  As you already know, I try to keep my yarns as eco friendly as possible.  My alpaca fleece is a renewable resource that grows back each year;  wool, and angora follow the same claim.  As far as my bamboo items are concerned, I try to use bamboo processed in a closed chemical manner.  You see, bamboo uses a lot of chemicals in its process to make bamboo fiber.  Some companies dispose of these chemicals after one use, the person I purchase my bamboo through, has done research to find that the company we use reuses its chemicals in a closed process.

Recently I discovered fiber made from recycled plastic bottles.  I was amazed at its softness, way softer than acrylic but not as soft as alpaca.  Its only drawback was it's short staple.  I mixed it with other fiber and it was great.  It's short stature was hidden by the other fibers longer staple but it made a very nice batt that I am hoping to duplicate for myself (the original is on my etsy site).  The only problem is that I the person who supplied me with this wonderful product is having problems finding a new source in the states.   I am amazed at what a great fiber it is and I plan to promote it as much as I can to others to try.  


Raspberry syrup art batt made from alpaca, faux cashmier, eco fi (recycled bottle fiber) and icicles.