Insomnia rants

It's late at night and I can't sleep.  I keep thinking about what I can and cannot control.  Everything seems to be out of my reach and I cannot do anything to make things happen the way I want it to.  I am trying to start my online shop but am being held up by some things I do not understand.   I am trying to find answers but so far they are eluding me.  Home problems are not helping either.  Trying to prepare for the future is ruling my mind right now.  Ideas of what I can do if I lose my full time job.  Yes, I , like so many other teachers in the state, have no idea weather or not I will have a job come August.  Since things have been going well with the alpaca sales, I am hoping to get the etsy shop up and running so I can have some sort of income if the worst case scenario happens.  Meanwhile thoughts of my student loans, car loans and credit cards is haunting me like an ancient ancestor who is holding a grudge.  Then thoughts wander and I start concocting plans to keep my loved ones safe and only I have to bear the brunt of the inevitable financial collapse that could happen.  My late night rantings inflate until my brain refuses to sleep.  I try to relax - remembering the techniques I learned to help prepare me for performances and applying them to try to sleep.  Then I remember I have a concert coming up next week and I start thinking of what I have to do to make it work.  Before I know it another hour has passed and worries of how I will survive the next day at work if I don't have any sleep.  It is an ongoing quest for a few minutes of solitude.  I take cough syrup to help me sleep - the coughing has kicked in and assists the insomnia for a while.  The cough syrup has no effect and the sleeplessness continues.  I pray for comfort and God's will.  Momentarily I feel better - relaxation is almost here but then I start to think that maybe God has me awake to teach me a lesson.  I just can't win so I get up and blog to help clear my mind.  It wakes me up even more.  Hubby is sleeping like a baby in the other room - he doesn't even notice I am not there.  Before I know it, another hour goes by and some stupid infomertial is  on the tv.  Maybe boredom will help me sleep - nope - it doesn't.  The most sleep I can hope for is about 4 hours - certainly not enough to function but if I don't go back in the bed, I won't even have that much to hope for.  Meanwhile, good night to all of you and I wish sweet dreams and long lumberous sleep to you.  If only I could enjoy it . . . . .